May 13, 2012
by Trapper Tom, Ring Announcer/Wrestling Journalist
The Keystone State Wrestling Alliance’s Newest Title, the 5-Star Championship (observers say a re-packaged Jr. Heavyweight Strap) was on the line in Sharpsburg as initial champion Jonny Axx defended against the man he won the title from last week: Shane Starr.
In addition, Jack Massacre got another shot at “Dr. Devastation” Lou Martin’s KSWA Championship and new Golden Triangle Champion The Blood Beast got his sizable mitts on a thorn in the Legion of the Apocalypse’s side: “Rock n’ Roll” Diamond Dave Diamond.
KSWA Tag Team Championship: Mercenaries v. Party Gras
“Canada’s National Treasure” Nasty Nick Crane takes the microphone and introduces his tag team partner from years gone by, The Sniper. The re-united Mercenaries face the long-time KSWA tag team champions, Party Gras (Lord Zoltan and Justin Sane). The Party Gras duo dance their way to the ring. Crane and Sniper are not amused. Nasty Nick and Justin Sane start out. Nick tosses Justin across the ring, then again. Crane goes for the test of strength but Sane can’t reach. Zoltan comes in as a boost. Now Crane can’t reach so Sniper comes in. Nick gets on his back and Sane pushes Crane down. Sane grabs Nick by the wrist and wrings it. Then Zoltan is tagged and he pump handles Crane’s arm. Sane is tagged in and he pump handles the arm. Justin drapes it over the top rope then grabs it again. Zoltan is tagged in and he takes his turn on the arm. Crane goes down and Sniper claims Zoltan pulled him down illegally. Zoltan said he’d “never” take a short cut. Zoltan wrings the arm again and tosses Crane down. The Krazies at ring side agree that Zoltan is not to blame. The Krazies, in fact, say Sniper did it from the apron. That’s an allegation the mercenary from South Africa claims didn’t happen. Sane is back in. Crane gets his first offense of the match by raking his eyes over the top rope. Sniper stomps on Justin’s head before draping him over the middle rope. Sniper gets a two count on Justin. Crane is tagged back in. There’s a double clothes line on Justin. Crane goes for a nerve hold on Justin’s neck. Sane will not give up even though referee Jimmy James continues to ask. Crane buries his knee into Sane’s back. Zoltan’s had enough as he tries to get into the match. That distracts the ref enough to allow the Mercenaries to double team Justin. Crane head butts Sane. Sniper is tagged back in. Sniper boots Sane in the gut. Sniper buries his knee into Sane’s throat. Sniper suplexes Justin and gets a two count. Zoltan breaks up the pin attempt. Crane is back in and he body slams Sane. Then a leg drop. Two count. Crane rubs Sane’s face into the mat. Sane battles into his corner but Zoltan does not make the tag. The ref is distracted by Zoltan and the Mercenaries double team Sane. The Krazies protest. Sniper is back in and gets a headlock on Sane. Sniper misses a clothesline and the two meet mid ring with a double clothesline. Both Megastars get to their corner. Zoltan gets Sniper into the corner, Sane gets Crane for 10 fists a piece. They are whipped into the corner. Sniper goes outside. Sane climbs to the top rope for and lands Shock Therapy. The winners and still KSWA Tag Team Champs: Party Gras!
Golden Triangle Championship: Blood Beast v. Dave Diamond
“Rock n’ Roll” Diamond Dave Diamond tries to get the crowd revved up. Beast tosses him into the corner and pounds on him. Referee Justin Smith watches the early carnage. Beast gets Dave into the corner and pounds on him before raking his eyes over the top rope. Beast whips him into the ropes and then delivers his spinning clothesline. Beast bodyslams him and goes for the pin. Two count. Beast attempts an elbow but misses. Dave goes for Beast’s knee. Beast recovers and kicks Dave in the head. Beast buries his knee into Diamond’s neck. Beast clubs then kicks Dave. Then Beast drives his knee into Dave’s head. Then there’s a death drop. Beast bodyslams Dave again and goes into the corner. Beast crows to the crowd before slamming Dave again. This second one wasn’t as definitive and Dave kicks out. Dave valiantly punches and kicks but gets nowhere on the Beast. Beast goes for another pin. Two count. Beast goes for an abdominal stretch, and uses the middle rope as leverage. Beast whips Dave into the ropes and hits him with a double sledge. There’s a dive onto Dave and a series of closed fists. Dave continues to rally but Beast hits another clothesline. It’s only a two count. Dave is getting beat pillar to post but he continues to kick out. Beast chokes Dave. Dave is up for a spinning kick, but Beast misses. Beast is angered, gets Dave into a choke slam and delivers him into the center of the ring. Referee Justin Smith drags Dave to the locker room after Beast gets the win.
Joey Quervo v. Shawn Blanchard
The Drunken Luchadore Joey Quervo makes his way to the ring then does Shawn Blanchard. Blanchard takes a cheap shot before Joey nearly steals a win with a roll up. Blanchard goes to the outside. Once back inside Blanchard is attacked again by Quervo. Blanchard then attacks him and uses wrist tape to choke the long-time Luchadore. The Krazies shout “Cheater.” Blanchard disposes of his t-shirt and lands a back elbow on Quervo. Blanchard gets him into a rear choke hold. Blanchard digs at Quervo’s face. He protests when referee Jimmy James tries to straighten him out. Clothesline then elbow drop on Quervo. Quervo kicks out at one-and-a-half. With the ref distracted, Blanchard once again goes for the tape. Blanchard tosses Quervo to the outside. Blanchard follows him and bodyslams him on the hardwood floor. Blanchard plows Quervo’s head into the ringside table then the apron. James continues the count out. Quervo is rolled back in. Blanchard posts Quervo into the corner. Blanchard lands the superplex. Blanchard goes for the pin and Quervo kicks out. The Krazies love that. Blanchard can’t believe it. Blanchard gives Quervo a standing suplex. The Drunken Luchadore wants to continue, according to James. Blanchard goes for another suplex but Joey gets out of it and drops Blanchard with a DDT. Quervo goes for a dive off the top rope but misses. Blanchard gets up and whips him into the ropes for a spinebuster suplex. Then Blanchard hits Quervo with a Sling Shot suplex and garners the victory.
The Great Toyota v. Del Douglas
The Great Toyota makes his way to the ring before “The King” Del Douglas, the ruling Emperor of nearby Millvale. Douglas is full of pomp and circumstance as usual. Referee Justin Smith calls the bell and The King goes immediately to work on Toyota. Before long, Toyota is being bodyslammed in the center of the ring by Douglas. The King lands his fist that’s “banned in 49 out of the 50 states.” Douglas grabs Toyota in the royal jewels. Douglas chops him down then buries knees into his midsection. Another two count. Toyota recovers with some chops. Douglas is down. Toyota kicks him in the back. Toyota rolls him up for a two count. Douglas “Drops Toyota Like It’s Hot” out of nowhere and gets the victory. After the match, Douglas tosses Toyota out of the ring and demands the Krazies bow to him. They don’t. King wanders back to the locker room.
KSWA Heavyweight Title: Jack Massacre v. Lou Martin
The 7-foot tall, 365-lb Jack Massacre enters the ring to much cheering. The opposite is true for Lou Martin, the KSWA Champion. Massacre gets the Krazies going. Martin tries to leave after the Krazies call him “Garbage Pants” but Kommissioner Joe Perri says if Martin uses his trademark baseball bat, he will lose the championship. Martin and Massacre go for the test of strength. Massacre levels Martin, who bails to the outside. Once back inside, Massacre whips him into the corner for a splash. Massacre bends Martin’s leg but steps on his back. Referee Jimmy James makes him break the hold. Then Massacre body slams him twice hard to the mat. Massacre goes for the wrist and then bodyslams him again. Martin calls for his Mommy on Mother’s Day eve. The Krazies call for another bodyslam. Massacre does it again. Martin is in pain but kicks out at two. Martin clings to Jimmy James. Massacre pries him off of James, whips him into the ropes and delivers a bodyslam. Then a chop to the top of Martin’s head. Martin falls to the outside. Martin tries to bail but Massacre catches him and tosses him back in. Martin pleads for mercy and a time out. Massacre shakes his hand and crushes it. Massacre keeps Martin down. Massacre delivers a suplex that moves the ring half an inch. Martin crawls to the apron as Massacre ties his boot lace. Massacre drags him back in. Massacre digs at Martin’s face. Referee James admonishes the big man. Massacre steps on Martin’s chest. Martin goes for a low blow, then kicks and punches to the back of Massacre’s knee. Then there’s a double sledge from the top. A pin attempt sees Martin get tossed across the ring at two. Martin uses the bottom rope to choke Massacre. Martin celebrates his advantage on the outside. Martin goes for the Death Certificate but Massacre simply stands up and flips him down. A gigantic leg drop and 2-and-a-half count follow. Massacre tosses Martin into the corner and follows with a splash and chop. Martin is tossed into the opposing corner and Massacre dives in, hip-first. Massacre pulls Martin out to a huge slam. Massacre head butts Martin to the mat. There seems to be confusion on whether Martin wants to continue before Massacre applies a huge bear hug. Martin does not submit. Martin goes for Massacre’s eyes and Jack drops the Champ. Martin goes for big punches to Jack’s head. Massacre blocks the punches, Martin can’t reach him to comedic effect. Massacre hits a big European upper cut and floors Martin. Massacre goes for pins but Martin is able to get a shoulder up. Martin goes outside, then does Massacre. At the six count, Massacre tosses Martin back in. Massacre hits a big chop then clotheslines Martin out onto the floor. Massacre follows again. James starts the count out. Massacre is owning Martin on the outside. Massacre puts a garbage can over Martin’s head then clubs him. They are both counted out by referee Jimmy James. Lou Martin holds onto the KSWA Heavyweight title.
Bobby Badfingers v. Kris Kash
The menacing Bobby Badfingers is followed by Kris Kash. They lock up in the center of the ring and bigger Badfingers forces Kash to the corner for a series of punches. Badfingers tosses him into the ropes and delivers a clothesline and stomps. Kash is battered early on with a leg drop to the crotch as Referee Justin Smith is distracted. Badfingers misses another clothesline and Kash delivers his own. But that doesn’t deter the larger Windy City Strongman. Badfingers punches Kash then connects on another. Kash hits a sunset flip and a two count. Badfingers is back up and in charge. He tosses Kash onto the top rope. He delivers a series of punches and uses his feet on the ropes for leverage on a pin attempt. Badfingers gets Kash down with a reverse chin lock. Kash battles out but Badfingers pulls him down with the tights. Badfingers distracts the ref again for more shenanigans. Badfingers delivers a big clubbing blow on Kasha again. Then a running power slam, two count. Kash is whipped into the corner and he explodes out with a splash onto Badfingers. Both Megastars are down. Kash is the first up. He tosses Badfingers into the ropes and hits a nice drop kick. Kash whips him into the ropes, hits a clothesline then returns for his tilt a whirl drop kick in the corner. Kash muscles Badfingers into the ropes and lands an inverted Thez Press. Badfingers bails to the outside. Kash dives on top of him. Kash pulls him up on the outside and delivers several big chops. Kash tosses him into the ring post. The ref gets the count up to six before Kash rolls back in, then out. He rolls Badfingers back in. Kash to the top rope for a leg drop. Two-and-a-half count in dramatic fashion. Badfingers gets to his feet and pokes Kash in the eye. Kash is angered and hits a move. Kash gets to the top rope and splashes the swon ton cannon ball. Kash covers Badfingers for the one, two, three victory.
KSWA 5-Star Championship: Shane Starr v. Jonny Axx
Referee Jimmy James calls for the bell and Jonny Axx bails to the outside. The count gets to six before Axx climbs back in. Shane Starr pushes his opponent into the corner and breaks. They tie up again and Axx pushes Shane into the corner. Axx pokes him in the eye. Starr hip tosses him off and Axx again goes outside. Axx re-enters the ring after the Krazies give him the business. The new 5-Star Champ is stalling in the ring and Starr calls for him to get into position. They lock up and Axx breaks the hold, only to dive outside again. Jimmy James counts Axx on the outside. Axx slowly gets back in as Starr meets him in the ropes. Starr kicks and punches as Axx retreats to the safety of the ropes. They lock up again and Axx gets Starr into a headlock. A hip toss floors Starr as Axx keeps him grounded. Axx uses the ropes for leverage a number of times. Axx gets Starr into a rear chin lock and a seated sleeper hold. Starr is able to get to his feet. He whips Axx into the corner and lands a series of chops. Axx is still in the corner as Starr climbs to the middle rope for a number of punches to the head. Starr pulls Axx out but Axx grabs his tights and shoves Starr into the corner. Starr catches Axx in the ropes with a head scissors and sends him outside. The two brawl outside. Starr hits a drop toe hold on Axx and Jonny’s head goes into the ring steps. Then Starr tosses Axx into the steps. Starr picks him up and tosses Axx into the ring. There’s a two-count on Axx. Starr executes a fine standing suplex. There’s another two-count. Starr positions Axx into the corner. Starr wants to land a superplex and he does. Axx is writhing in pain, as is Starr. There’s another two-count. Starr whips Axx into the corner and calls for an elbow smash. Starr plants it on Referee Jimmy James instead. James goes down in a heap. Axx picks up the 5-Star belt and smashes Shane Starr in the head with it. Referee Justin Smith races to the ring and counts to three. The winner of the match and still KSWA 5-Star Champion is Jonny Axx. Shane Starr recoups in the ring as Justin Smith takes Jimmy James to the locker room.
Thus ends the Guyasuta Football fundraiser. The KSWA returns to action at the K.S.W.A. Arena on Saturday, June 2. Bell time is 7:30 p.m.