June 16, 2013
by Trapper Tom, Ring Announcer/Wrestling Journalist
Once you think you’ve figured out the Keystone State Wrestling Alliance (KSWA) landscape, consequences shake up the ingredients. Heatwave Havoc 2013 may just be the most earth-shattering event in the annuals of Pittsburgh Independent Professional Wrestling.
Jonny Axx v. Bobby Badfingers
This is a match set up by the KSWA Championship Committee to determine where these veterans fall in the various title hunts. Jonny Axx comes to the ring first and is followed by his frequent tag-team partner, Bobby Badfingers. Axx grabs a fan’s white board that reads “Bobby Chickenfingers” and leads that cheer. After a return to the ring, Axx hip tosses Badfingers twice and drop kicks him to the outside. Bobby regains his composure while Referee Justin Smith makes the eight count. The “Bobby Chicken Fingers” count starts again. That angers the brawler, who punches, then clotheslines Axx. Badfingers keeps Axx down. Badfingers whips Axx into the ropes then knocks Axx to the mat. Badfingers whips Axx, and then has the moved reversed. Axx follows up with a kick to Badfinger’s melon. Axx gets Badfingers down with a submission move. Badfingers gets out of it by going for Axx’s eyes. Bobby drives Axx into the mat. Two count. Then another two count as Axx is able to get a shoulder up. Axx ducks a clothesline and drives Bobby down for his own pin attempt. Two count. Axx whips Badfingers into the ropes but Bob drops him with a kick. Shoulder block by Axx, then a leg drop. Axx goes to the top rope misses a big cannonball. Badfingers follows up with a near pinfall. Badfingers misses his own cannonball from the top rope. Axx tries again from the top rope and lands it. Two-and-a-half count. Badfingers goes low on Axx then goes for his own pin. Axx suplexes Badfingers into the corner. Two count as Badfingers gets his shoulder up. There’s a right hand by Axx. Then a series of them. Near pin fall. The two battle with fists as the 10-minute time limit winds down. The Ref calls for the bell and says it’s a time limit draw. After the 10-minute time limit conclusion, the other members of the Legion arrive. Ali Kaida stands with Badfingers, Blood Beast with Axx. Everyone leaves with confusion in their hearts and minds.
Mercenaries v. Lord Zoltan and a Mystery Tag Team Partner
The night’s confusion continues when the Mercenaries face Lord Zoltan and a mystery partner. With Justin Sane incapacitated with a neck injury, Lord Zoltan somehow summons the help of The Legion of the Apocalypse’s Blood Beast. Zoltan and Nick Crane start out. “Canada’s National Treasure” complains that Zoltan pulls his hair. With less-than-flowing locks, Crane walks right into Zoltan’s pump-handle arm bar. Zoltan tags in a reluctant Beast. Beast chops down on Crane and then administers an arm bar. A spinning clothesline drops Crane. Sniper breaks up a pin attempt. Zoltan is back in. Zoltan tricks Referee Nick Patrick into holding Crane’s arm while Zoltan wallops it. Patrick kicks Crane’s hand off of the top rope, then when he tries to do it a second time, Crane lets go, leaving Patrick flipping onto the mat. The Krazies howl at that misfortune. It’s all Beast as he body slams Crane in the center of the ring. A second one shakes the mat. As the match goes on, The Blood Beast seems to loosen up and warm to his unlikely partnership. Sniper sneaks in and clips Beast down. Crane then makes the tag and Sniper goes to work on Beast’s leg. Zoltan leads a “Let’s Go Beast” chant. Crane may have snuck back in or may have made the tag, but nevertheless he continues the offense on Beast. Sniper kicks at Beast’s left hamstring. Sniper works on the leg and tries to get him into a Boston Crab. The Mercenaries continue on Beast’s leg. Crane gets a fist into Cranes’ forehead and a two count. Beast whips Crane into the ropes for a clothesline. Two count. Crane, ever the veteran, goes after Beast again. Beast rallies with a clothesline. Beast gets to Zoltan, Crane to Sniper. All four Megastars are in the ring. Zoltan whips Crane, Beast whips Sniper into the center of the ring for a collision. Beast falls on Sniper and gets the pin. Beast soon leaves the ring but doesn’t go too far. Zoltan tries to get Blood Beast back into the ring. After a moment of contemplation, Beast follows in and starts to dance, albeit with an awkward two-step and funky hand motions. The Brothers in Paint celebrate their win and leave together.
Jay Flash v. Tyler Cross
Jay Flash is ready for Cross and goes after him full-tilt. Cross races out of the ring, then goes back in and attacks Flash. Flash goes after Cross and is met with a clothesline. The two young Megastars go after each other with reckless abandon. Flash goes to the outside. He pulls Cross out and Flash cracks his head into the ring post. Flash goes to dive on Cross but he clubs Flash instead. Cross gets a two-count on Flash. Cross puts the boots to Flash as Referee Justin Smith tries to get Cross off the ropes. Cross has Flash in the corner. Cross’ size and strength advantage is evident when he gives Flash a form of the Spinebuster. Cross says “Over,” spin kicks Flash and gets a two count. Flash soon rallies with fervor of his own. Cross is able to break out of a fall-away slam attempt. Cross drops Flash into the corner. Flash is able to rally back and get Cross tangled into the ropes. Flash drops a leg on him and that readies the VIP for a Cannonball. Cross rolls out of it, Flash lands on his feet. Flash goes after Cross, Cross gets him down, rolls him up and grabs tights for the victory.
Bulldozer and J-Ru v. The Latin Assassin and Jack Massacre
Bulldozer wallops The Latin Assassin with a chair upon his emergence from the locker room tent. The Krazies go wild with this development. Jack Massacre is introduced, surveys the carnage and he insists on taking on both wrestlers himself. J-Ru goes against Massacre but he can’t move the Giant. That brings in The Bulldozer. The mammoth Megastars face off in the center of the ring. Bulldozer paces then they lock up. Massacre pushes Bulldozer into a corner. The masked Bulldozer complains that his hair was pulled to Referee Shawn Patrick. The gigantic wrestlers trade terrific blows before Massacre clotheslines Bulldozer over the top rope. The crowd explodes in approval. That allows J-Ru to attack Massacre from behind with a chop block. Bulldozer gets back in and goes after Bulldozer. Jack goes for a clothesline but that is met by an equally strong Bulldozer. The Megastars trade kicks, then chops. Bulldozer misses Massacre with a spear. Bulldozer gets Massacre down. J-Ru is hip tossed onto Massacre. Bulldozer tags J-Ru but goes for a pinfall. Two count. The tag to J-Ru was made but the “Instigator” never makes it in. Bulldozer tries to cut the wind off for Massacre. The Krazies yell for Massacre. Bulldozer has Massacre down in a chin hold. Bulldozer wants Patrick to check Massacre. He does. Bulldozer has his size 16’s on the bottom rope. Bulldozer misses Massacre with a clothesline. Bulldozer clubs Massacre down and goes for a pin. J-Ru sits on Massacre’s chest for the pin attempt. Massacre launches the Charleroi native across the ring. Bulldozer has Massacre in the corner. Massacre kicks Bulldozer to the outside with a tremendous crash. Suddenly, Latin returns from the back. He distracts J-Ru, drops his throat over the top rope, which sends a staggering J-Run into Jack Massacre’s clutches. Massacre drops J-Ru with a power bomb and scores the win. After the match, Bulldozer destroys Massacre in the back of the head with a steel chair. There’s pandemonium as J-Ru and Bulldozer double-team an already-shaken Latin. Bulldozer jumps off the corner post and onto a steel chair he has strategically placed on Latin’s ankle. There’s an audible crack as Bulldozer lands on Latin’s leg. Bulldozer and J-Ru celebrate as it appears The Latin Assassin has been sidelined indefinitely with a serious leg injury.
Edric Everhart v. Mitch Napier
Mitch immediately gets Everhart from behind and forces him to the mat. Everhart is taken aback by Mitch’s quickness and incalculable strength. Napier forearms Everhart from behind then lets him go. Everhart rolls to the corner and loudly laments Napier’s tactics. They trade blows but Napier gets the upper hand. With Everhart in the corner, Napier blasts away with some of the quickest, strongest rights he’s has ever administered in the KSWA. Everhart gets the upper hand on Napier and gets him in the corner for a series of chops. Everhart kicks Napier down in the corner as Referee Shawn Patrick tries to get him off. Everhart gets Napier in a rear chin lock. Napier can’t get enough leverage to power out of the move. However, after a few moments, he’s able to do just that with a series of elbows to the gut. Napier catches Everhart and wrenches him over his left knee. That takes some of the starch out of Edric. Everhart is able to regain some form and drops Napier down from the corner roost. That enables Edric to work on Napier. Edric has Mitch draped over the middle rope and drops his leg onto the Iowa native. Mitch is spent in the corner. Everhart kicks Mitch and goes for a pin. Two count. Everhart goes for a rear chin lock and Patrick asks the former KSWA Heavyweight Champion if he’s ready to submit. Instead Napier battles out of it. Napier suplexes Everhart with tremendous authority. Mitch clotheslines Everhart and then hits him with a drop kick. Mitch goes for a spear in the corner but Everhart moves. Two count on Napier. Everhart goes to the corner but Mitch catches him, once again suplexing the VIP. Everhart somehow power bombs Napier and gets a near three count. Mitch battles out of it, as Tyler Cross appears out of nowhere. When Napier gets Everhart up for a Sioux Falls Slam, Cross and attacks. Referee Patrick calls for the bell and Napier is deemed the winner. After the match Cross kicks Napier. The newest members of the VIPs argue as Patrick helps Napier to the back.
Kash and Starr v. Del Douglas and Jester
The Krazies are in a frenzy when this match starts. Jester starts off with a flip. Starr and Jester start off with a series of arm bars. Jester bounces off of Starr with a shoulder block. Starr gives an atomic drop and drop kick that floor The Jester. Jester tags in Douglas and Starr tags in Kash. Kash and Douglas, old foes, battle back and forth. Douglas pounds on Kash and drops an elbow. Kash kicks out. Douglas tosses Kash into the corner post and the waiting clutches of The Jester. Jester comes in and pounds on Kash. He suplexes the 5-Star champion with great aplomb. Jester puts his knee on Kash’s neck and then buries a series of knees into Kash’s back. Jester buries a knee into Kash’s midsection as Kash was rallying. Douglas attacks Kash on the apron while Jester distracts Referee Justin Smith. The Tag Team Champs double suplex Kash. Douglas bodyslams Kash as Starr frantically supports his friend and cohort. Douglas continues to boot Kash. Douglas pounds with a forearm. Douglas grabs tights for a pin attempt but Kash gets his shoulder up. Douglas grabs Kash by the privates, delivers a chop to the mat and then records just a two count. Douglas lands the fist that’s “banned in 49 out of the 50 states.” Kash gets a shoulder up. Kash runs the ropes and hits Douglas with a clothesline. Both Megastars are down. Kash rallies to get Douglas down. Both men scramble to make their corners. Starr drop kicks both Tag Team Champs. Starr goes for the Sharpsburg Shooter but Jester is able to muscle out of it. Starr suplexes Jester then tags in Kash. Kash drops Jester and goes to the top rope. Douglas pushes him off. Starr goes after Douglas. Jester drops Kash in the ring and scores the win. The winners are The Jester and The King. They win shots at the 5-Star and Golden Triangle Championships later this year. Kash and Starr leave together.
Main Event KSWA Title: Shawn Blanchard v. Lou Martin
Shawn Blanchard comes to the ring wearing a Boston Bruins T-shirt and sweeping an imaginary path with a wooden broom. Blanchard is wearing yellow ring gear, which is a departure from his usual orange VIP attire. Lou Martin is wearing his familiar orange tights and beloved “garbage pants.” The fans are reminded that the VIPs must participate in this match, or be subject to possible termination from the company. The VIPs circle their ring before Blanchard cowers into a corner. The Krazies are unsure what to do from the outset. Both Megastars are not well liked. Blanchard uses his power to toss Martin to the outside. Martin tests his lower back before arguing with the fans. Martin climbs back in and they hook up. Martin hip tosses Blanchard to the outside. Blanchard has a significant size and strength advantage. KSWA Owner Bobby O, who is the Special Guest Referee, allows Blanchard time to get back into the ring. Once inside Blanchard tries to bully Martin but the two-time champion breaks that up with a stern slap to the face. Martin has Blanchard in a headlock but Blanchard breaks out of it. Blanchard cries that Martin is pulling his hair. Blanchard regroups and goes on the offense with kicks, punches and a suplex. Blanchard pulls Martin up and drops him with a right hand. Lou is bent over. Martin gets to his feet and goes on the offensive. Blanchard is on the top ropes for a bit of a bouncy horsey ride. Martin goes for the pin but Blanchard gets his boot onto the bottom rope. Martin is admonished for choking Blanchard. With Blanchard reeling, Martin kicks him in the chest. Martin peppers a downed Blanchard with lefts and rights. Martin whips Blanchard into the corner. Blanchard flips over it, falls onto the apron and is blasted down with Martin’s clothesline. Martin smashes Blanchard’s head into a ring post. Martin attacks Blanchard on the outside. With Bobby O counting for a 10, Martin rolls in, the back out. He continues the assault until Blanchard clubs him in the ring. Blanchard smashes Martin over his knee. Blanchard hits Martin with an abdominal stretch. Blanchard slaps Martin in the chest then hits him with a thunderous clothesline. Martin is tossed to the outside. Bobby O tries to keep Blanchard at bay. Edric Everhart comes out and checks on Martin. Blanchard seems perplexed. Everhart, who was specifically recruited by Blanchard to be a new-class VIP, stands in a corner at ringside. Blanchard goes to work on Martin’s left leg, when Tyler Cross, Blanchard’s hand-picked new-class successor, comes to the ring. Blanchard straps on a Figure Four as Cross and Everhart trade inquiries on the outside. Martin rolls Blanchard over but the momentum is too much and the VIPs roll until they fall to the outside. Blanchard grabs a chair at ringside and prepares to blast Martin but Everhart grabs it off of him. A few moments pass as everyone involved with the match try to figure out what’s going on. With everyone distracted, Cross gets on the far apron. Then Everhart. Then Martin. Then Blanchard. All four VIPs climb into the ring and attack Bobby O. Blanchard gets the microphone and a chair, sets it up and then verbally berates Bobby O. Blanchard threatens to turn Bobby O’s lights out. Mitch Napier and Jay Flash hit the ring. Still outnumbered, they are quickly dispatched by the VIPs. Suddenly, the most unexpected Megastar of them all hits the ring. Ali Kaida! He attacks Blanchard and then Martin. He then arm drags Everhart and Cross around the ring. All four VIPs gather their senses and make their way to the locker room. Confused, the VIPs say that they won’t forget what Kaida has done. Ali Kaida walks across the ring, helps Bobby O to his feet and most surprisingly, stands in unison with Mitch Napier, Bobby O and Jay Flash.
Thus ends Heatwave Havoc 2013!