The “Future” Is Now As Starr Becomes KSWA Champ, Gowen Thrills, “Luscious” Amazes And Surprises Abound At FanFest

December 8, 2013
by Trapper Tom, Ring Announcer/Wrestling Journalist

Another blockbuster crowd packed the KSWA Arena for a historic main event, but got so much more with a brilliant Zach Gowen appearance, a new 5-Star Champ and two more wrestlers are honored in the Hall of Fame.

Texas Tornado Rules: Tag Team Qualifying Four Corners Match

The match features three of the KSWA’s most prominent tag teams, as well as a duo who wanted nothing to do with one another. The Mercenaries as well as the volatile Blood Beast and Kaida made their way to the ring before Party Gras made their entrance. As the first of the night’s surprises, Studio Wrestling “valet” and personality “Mr. Eugene” accompanied Justin Sane and Lord Zoltan to the ring. The young man with Downs Syndrome was known in Studio Wrestling days as the valet who would take a wrestler’s gear back to the locker room. At FanFest, he seconded the popular Party Gras. The last team to arrive was “Ice Man” Tony Johnson and Jay Flash, who have predicted much of the year that they would be the “New Tag Team Champions.” Once all participants were in the ring, it takes almost two full minutes before any of the competitors touch one another. This is largely because Party Gras wasn’t sure which corner they wanted, so that revolving apron-work took a good bit of time. The Blood Beast and Jay Flash start off with Flash punching Beast in the midsection, to no effect. Lord Zoltan says “Crush him like a grape.” Flash tags in Johnson but he is quickly pushed across the ring. Soon Sniper is tagged in but Beast’s power is overwhelming. I don’t think that a football is a very good Christmas present. He tags in Kaida who gets a nice ovation from the crowd. Kaida gets some offense on Beast before Beast takes over. Beast tags in Flash who uses quick hits to immobilize Kaida. Flash ties Kaida up in the ropes and tags Johnson who kicks Kaida. Kaida tries to fight up but Johnson kicks and punches him in the mush. Johnson gets Sniper down. Mayor Mystery is the best. Party Gras is in and they double team Sniper before Zoltan tags in Flash. He mimics Justin Sane by leap frogging Zoltan. Nasty Nick is in at the 7 minute mark and he takes control over Flash. Zoltan is tagged in and he peppers Flash. Zoltan bites Jay Flash, signifying how cut throat this match is. Zoltan picks Flash up and drives him into Justin Sane’s knee. They double team Flash some more. Flash regroups and kicks Justin Sane in the mush. Two count from Referee Shawn Patrick. Flash snap mares Sane. Johnson is tagged in and he knocks Sane down. Blood Beast is tagged back in and he power bombs Sane. The Mercenaries stop that count. Patrick counts to three as Beast buries his knee in Sane’s throat. Kaida is tagged in and he suplexes Sane twice. The second time Flash and Johnson break up the count by both diving on him, over the top rope, from the apron. Kaida and Blood Beast start fighting on the apron, drop down from the ring, and fight each other all the way to the back. Johnson kicks Sniper in the chin and drops him for the three count.

Grudge Match: Shawn Blanchard v. Bob Atlas (w/Bobby O)

It should be noticed that the Special Guest Ring Announcer for this match is the incomparable Lanny Farattare, NSA Sports Caster and Pittsburgh Pirates broadcast legend. Frattare has a great time introducing Blanchard and then the hustler from every girl’s dream “Mr. Puniverse.” Blanchard comes out and then Atlas, along with manager Bobby O. Puniverse goes over the opening minutes of the contest with Bobby O. The bell rings and referee Justin Smith checks Blanchard a second time for any illegal objects. The two veterans circle each other and Blanchard sends Atlas into the ropes. Atlas stops and drops Blanchard, perhaps with a closed fist. The two lock up and Blanchard sends Atlas into the ropes. Blanchard tries to call for a time out but Atlas drops him with perhaps another closed fist. Blanchard gets Atlas down. It’s all Blanchard. Two count administered by Justin Smith. Blanchard gets Atlas in a rear chin lock. Blanchard gouges and digs at Atlas. Atlas has the referee distracted by Lanny Frattare at ring side. Frattare shakes hands with Smith. Atlas drives Blanchard’s head into the turn buckle ten times. Blanchard drives Atlas into the mat, head-first. Both Megastars are down. Atlas tries to scoop Blanchard up onto his shoulders, but Blanchard sails over. Puniverse kicks at Blanchard. Atlas once again pounds Blanchard’s head in the corner. Atlas lowers his trousers to expose what appear to be his patented pink bicycle pants. Blanchard hits him in the groin before he can do anything. However, Atlas is able to get Blanchard into a Sleeper Hold and drops him to the mat. The three count is administered and Blanchard goes to sleep. Atlas prances in the ring and drops his pants to expose—not bicycle pants—but pink Yoga pants. He dances over Blanchard and the fans are both excited and a little put off by the display.

Battle of the Behemoths: Bulldozer v. Jack Massacre

Bulldozer faces off with Jack Massacre nose-to-nose. Bad blood between the two has escalated all year. Bulldozer shoves Massacre then strikes him in the face. A normal man would be knocked out, but not Massacre. Massacre catches the second fist and clubs Bulldozer with a series of world-jarring shots. Bulldozer drapes Massacre’s neck over the top rope and that staggers the giant. Bulldozer plants a fist and elbow into Massacre. Bulldozer continues to pound on Massacre, who is now down to one knee on the mat. Massacre powers out and is immediately met with Bulldozer’s knee. Massacre lands a heck of a clothesline. Massacre powers Bulldozer into the corner and the Krazies go crazy. Bulldozer gets on Massacre’s back and Massacre drops him to a tremendous thud. Bulldozer is met with a tremendous clothesline and he kicks up at two and a half. Massacre picks Bulldozer up and the Detroit Wrecking Machine drops Massacre down. Bulldozer is going to the top for a splash. He nails it but Massacre, incredibly, kicks up. Bulldozer gets Massacre in the corner and hits him with two rear splashes. Massacre, somehow, kicks up. Bulldozer picks up Massacre, and the big man battles out of the move. Massacre hits Bulldozer with the power bomb and gets the win.

Bucky Palermo Hall of Fame Induction

Studio Wrestling’s legendary referee, Bucky Palermo, was inducted into the Keystone State Wrestling Alliance (KSWA) Hall of Fame. Palermo, who cuts a dashing image at 83, the man in the squared circle for many important Studio Wrestling matches. Standing along KSWA referees Justin Smith and Shawn Patrick, Palermo becomes the first referee inducted into the vaunted halls.

Johnny Valiant Greets the Krazies

“Luscious” Johnny Valiant gets into the ring and addresses the crowd. He makes them laugh with stellar one-lines from his well-received off-Broadway, one-man show. Valiant was also inducted into the KSWA Hall of Fame at this time, however, the ceremony was truncated due to Valiant “leaving them at the top” with laughter.

Special Attraction Match: The Jester v. Zach Gowen

The Jester hops on one leg (which elicits groans from the Krazies), then does a trio of cartwheels. Zach Gowen answers by rolling around and chasing the Jester around while on all threes. The Krazies love it. “King” Douglas holds Zach up (by grabbing his foot) and that’s enough for The Jester to take control. Jester goes for a roll up but that fails. Zach gets him down repeatedly. King is yelling at The Jester uncontrollably. Zach has Jester in a headlock. The two battle out of technical moves. The King shouts encouragement from the outside. Jester powers Gowen into the corner. Douglas has Gowen distracted. Jester shoulders him down. Jester has Gowen in the middle rope. The King chokes him. Jester pulls Gowen out into the center of the ring, then snap mares him down. Jester buries a knee in Gowen’s chest. Two count. Jester has Gowen in a sleeper hold as Gowen is seated. Gowen tries to power out of it and he does with a chin breaker. Rear elbow drops Gowen. Two and a half count by Shawn Patrick. Jester kicks Gowen. Gowen shoulders him. Gowen pulls down the back of Jesters’ trunks. The Jester’s exposed buttocks leaves the Krazies in hysterics. Rear cannon ball. One count. Jester, with his rear still out there, tries for a cannon ball from the top rope but misses as Gowen rolls out of the way. Gowen gets Jester into a submission hold but it doesn’t take. Jester tosses Gowen to the outside. Jester clubs Gowen and props him up. Douglas tries to club Gowen from the apron but Gowen moves and Jester is smashed. Gowen dives over the top rope onto the former tag team champions on the outside. Gowen hits a drop kick. Then he hits him with a leg drop as Jester is draped over the middle rope. Two count. Jester whips Gowen over the top rope. Then Jester kicks him in the head. Two and a half count on Gowen. The Jester argues with Shawn Patrick. Jester goes for a move but clubs Shawn Patrick in the process. Gowen and Patrick are down. The Jester doesn’t know what to do. Douglas hands The Jester something. The Jester shows Gowen the brass knuckles but refuses them. He tosses them outside. Gowen rolls Jester up and gets the win! Afterwards, The King attacks an exhausted Gowen but the Jester tries to stop him, saying that Zach “put up a good fight.” Douglas doesn’t like that answer and gets into The Jester’s face. The Jester retaliates by swatted Douglas in the face. The partnership between the former KSWA Tag Team Champs is officially over. Jester chases Douglas from the ring and helps Gowen to his feet. Gowen takes the microphone, acknowledges that The Jester has been a stand-up wrestler. Gowen says that he has wanted to be a professional wrestler since age eight when he lost his left leg to cancer. He says that he’s been able to live his dream and he considers wrestling in the KSWA a highlight of his illustrious career. The fans cheer as Gowen leaves with The Jester.

KSWA Tag Team Titles: Johnson & Flash v. VIPs Everhart and Cross (w/”Luscious” Johnny Valiant)

Luscious Johnny Valiant stuns the crowd by accompanying Cross and Everhart to the ring. Johnson and Everhart start out. Everhart has Johnson in a headlock. Johnson breaks the hold and nearly snaps Everhart’s left arm at the elbow. Johnson rolls Everhart over but only gets two. Johnson is in a headlock and he breaks the hold. Johnson gets Everhart in a front face lock but Everhart breaks it. The two proceed to match technical move for technical move. Johnson arm drags Everhart three times before getting him down. The crowd chants for “Ice Man.” He gets Everhart into a headlock. Everhart catches Johnson who was trying for a drop kick. Everhart power bombs Johnson and crows to the crowd. Cross is tagged in and he proceeds to kick Johnson about. Cross crows to the crowd but is met with an upper cut from Johnson. Cross chops Johnson then tosses him into the VIP corner. Johnson is slow in getting up. Everhart is tagged back in and he punches Johnson down. Everhart chops Johnson. Johnson is angered so he turns on the jets and chops Everhart hard. Johnson tries to follow up but he’s locked into the tree of woe with only one leg. Everhart kicks Johnson in the mush, then pulls him down. It’s more than six minutes and Flash hasn’t been tagged in. Flash tries to rally, as if on cue, but then is leveled. Cross is tagged back in and he goes to work on Johnson. Cross drop kicks a seated Johnson. Johnson battles out with a drop kick. Flash breaks up the pin attempt at 7:18. Cross buries a fist into Johnson’s head. Cross goes for an elbow and misses. Johnson goes for a side slam but Cross battles out and drops Johnson. Flash is still not in at 8:00. Cross readies for a kick and misses. Johnson hits Cross with a game-finishing drop kick but that expends all of his energy. Both men are down. Johnson get to his corner and tags Flash in at 8:42. Flash is a house afire, dropping both tag champs. Flash turns his attention on Cross. Flash goes for a move but misses. Cross drops him down and gets only a two count. Johnson is launched over the top rope. Flash is still the legal man. Cross elbows him and the VIPs hit him their 3D. Incredibly, Flash kicks up at two. Everhart slowly lifts Flash up but Jay reverses the move and power bombs Everhart. Cross is launched over the top rope. Flash races to the top rope for a cannonball. Cross grabs a tag belt from ringside. Patrick stops Cross from using the tag belt in an illegal fashion. Johnson pulls him to the outside. Flash is up and Patrick turns his attention to the outside, where a battle ensues. Everhart reaches for the other title belt and lays Flash out with it. Patrick doesn’t see it. Everhart makes the cover the VIPs keep hold of the most prestigious tag team straps in the Keystone State. Post match: Johnson carries a wobbly Flash to the locker room.

Gauntlet Match: 5-Star Championship

Mitch and J-Ru start out. J-Ru orders the fans to stop booing. They refuse. Mitch Napier enters and the Krazies go berserk. Referee Justin Smith shows off the belt, then calls for the bell. J-Ru complains that the fans are clapping too loudly for Napier. They scream at him. J-Ru gets Mitch in a wrist lock and shakes his hips. Mitch breaks the hold and grasps J-Ru from behind. The two wrestlers are fairly-evenly matched. They shake hands at J-Ru’s behest. J-Ru arm drags Mitch down. Napier immediately gets up and does the same to Ru. The fans chant at J-Ru. Mitch picks J-Ru up and buries him into the corner post. J-Ru has control of Napier. The fans chant tauntingly at J-Ru. Two count on Napier. Another two count as J-Ru, surprisingly, has Napier on the ropes. Out of nowhere Napier lands the Sioux Falls Slam on J-Ru and gets the win. Del Douglas is up next and he nearly gets rolled up as soon as he gets into the ring. He kicks out. Still outraged at the Jester, Douglas is smacked around by Napier. Then, the veteran Douglas whips Napier in the ropes and buries a knee. Douglas grabs Napier in the privates and chops him down. Two count is registered by Justin Smith. Douglas drops Napier like it’s hot, then goes to the corner for the fist that’s banned in 49 out of 50 states. He is met with Napier’s boot to the chin. Then there’s a drop kick. Napier giant spins Douglas around in the ring and then sets him up in the Texas Cloverleaf. Douglas submits. Napier holds on. Bobby Badfingers is next and the self-complained Baddest Man in the KSWA immediately attacks Napier. There’s a near two count and leg drop to the mid-section. There’s a leg drop on Napier and another two count. Badfingers picks Napier up and Napier drops him with a clothesline. Napier supflexes Badfingers down and gets a two count. By pure power, Napier picks Badfingers up and drops him for a two count. Napier drops an elbow on Badfingers. Mitch goes for a flying body press but misses. There’s a gigantic spear by Badfingers and Bobby gets the win. There will be a new 5-Star Champion. Kris Kash is the last, fresh opponent. He chops and drop kicks Badfingers with reckless abandon and nearly gets a pinfall. There’s a flying head scissors and a two count. Kash dives on Badfingers on the outside. There’s a tremendous thud and Badfingers is very slow in getting up. Kash tosses Badfingers into the corner. There’s a clothesline and a near pinfall on Badfingers. Whisper in the Wind from Kash. Kash climbs to the top. Out of nowhere, Mayor Mystery arrives and clubs Kash. He falls into the ring and Badfingers picks up the pieces for a pin. The winner and new 5-Star Champion is Bobby Badfingers.

Historic Main Event: Golden Triangle v KSWA Heavyweight Championship (Winner takes all)

Starr nearly immediately gets Martin into the Sharpshooter but Lou gets to the ropes. That was 13 seconds into the match. Martin dodges Starr and catches himself into the ropes. Martin again dives into the ropes. Starr shouts that Martin is “Chicken.” Martin continues to play games by talking to KSWA Hall of Fame photographer Howard Kernats on the outside. Almost the entire paying crowd of 363 has stayed for this contest. Martin bails to the outside and gets in at 6. Starr drops him and punches Dr. Devastation to the mat. Then there’s a suplex. One count. There’s a standing suplex and two count on Martin. Starr gets him into a leg hook and Martin screams in pain. Starr kicks Martin in the thigh. Starr suplexes Martin and then hits him in the gut with a shoulder. Martin, the veteran, soon gets a second wind and takes advantage of the situation. He has Starr down and hits the Golden Triangle Champion with a series of shots to the midsection. A side suplex drops Starr. Starr starts to battle out but Lou grabs two fists full of Starr’s hair and drops him to the mat. Martin goes to the top. Starr collapses on the top rope and that makes Martin rock, then fall off onto the cement floor. Justin Smith starts the count. At five, Starr follows out. Martin jams Starr into the apron. There’s a huge over the top chop. Martin rolls into the ring, then right back out. He hits Starr with a series of big chops. There’s a double count out to seven before Martin reaches back in. Martin clubs Starr with a book a fan won at Intermission. Referee Smith is allowing some latitude for both men. Martin rolls Starr in and gets a two-and-a-half count. Martin drops a double sledge on Starr. Two count. Starr nearly rolls Martin up. Martin and Starr hit double clotheslines. They are both down. Then they are up and club each other over and over again. Then they push referee Justin Smith aside. They double clothesline each other again. Both men are down and the Krazies chant for Shane. Martin misses a spear in the corner. Starr places Martin on the top and superplexes him. Two and three-quarters count. Martin tries to Death Certificate Starr but Starr breaks it and drops Martin with the Shining Star. Starr covers and gets the pin. The winner and NEW KSWA World Champion: Shane Starr! Martin can’t believe it!

Thus concludes FanFest/Toy Drive 2013!