April 14, 2014
by Trapper Tom, Ring Announcer/Wrestling Journalist
It’s not every day that the Megastars of the Keystone State Wrestling Alliance (KSWA) have a tailor-made opportunity at Championship gold. Usually, it takes months, if not a year, to earn a shot at immortality. Wins have to be compiled. Wins against top-flight competition have to be recorded. Every wrestler in a tri-state area wants to compete in front of the KSWA Krazies. In addition, the all want to wear the KSWA championship. But with Bobby O once again Owner of Pittsburgh’s professional wrestling organization, sometimes opportunity finds itself in the most unusual of places. The Guyasuta fundraiser in Sharpsburg offered that chance for one lucky Megastar.
Battle Royal: Winner gets shot at KSWA Heavyweight Title
The Battle Royal begins with 12 Megastars vying for a shot at the Commonwealth’s most prestigious title. El Skeletorious goes after Bulldozer. Jack Massacre and Bobby Badfingers go after one another. Shawn Blanchard measures the crowd. Joey Quervo abruptly leaves on his own accord and looks for an alcoholic beverage. “Nasty” Nick Crane is next eliminated. El Skeletorious gets the boot over the top rope. Sniper is eliminated. Kaida has been eliminated. Shawn Blanchard is next. Almost immediately, the Blood Beast topples over the top and onto the floor. Jack Massacre goes after Del Douglas. Bulldozer beats on Douglas. Douglas goes out. Badfingers clotheslines Kash. Kash is eliminated. Badfingers is eliminated. Bulldozer somehow muscles Jack Massacre over from behind and Bulldozer earns the shot at the KSWA Gold later in the evening. Bulldozer preens and prances and then leaves to the locker room.
Bobby O, Gentleman Joe and Shane Starr
New KSWA Owner Bobby O comes to the ring along with Kommissioner “Gentleman” Joe Perri. Bobby talks about how it’s now a “New Era” in the KSWA with his new ownership and how the Keystone State Wrestling Alliance is about the fans. He says that the organization is not about the VIPs, any individual wrestler, or venue. The promotion will always be about the fans, he says. Bobby then welcomes the “Face” of the KSWA, World Champion Shane Starr to the ring. Starr enjoys the hometown welcome, and then is reminded by Perri that he has to defend the title against Bulldozer. Starr understands the importance of the defense. Perri says he is making an executive decision and that Bobby O will be the special guest referee for the Main Event. Bobby O eagerly accepts.
Blood Beast v. Joey Quervo
The Blood Beast makes his way to the ring. Referee Justin Smith admonishes Joey Quervo, who almost barfs in the ring. Blood Beast snap mares Quervo into the center of the ring. Quervo had swung wildly at the brute as soon as the bell rang. Quervo is on one knee and Blood Beast boots him down. There’s a thunderous body slam. He follows that up with a shin on the throat. There are two one-count attempts but Beast pulls Quervo up each time. There’s a powerful clothesline. Beast doesn’t go for the pin, but for the throat. Quervo is in the corner for a big chop and a punch. Smith constantly warns Beast. Beast shoves the ref. That allows Quervo to get dive from the corner post and drive the Blood Beast down. There’s a quick pin and a win for Quervo. Blood Beast can’t believe his misfortune.
5-Star Championship: Jack Massacre v. Bobby Badfingers
Bobby Badfingers uses the ropes for security as the 7-foot-tall Jack Massacre walks towards him. Badfingers complains to the ref. He uses that as a ruse, as he starts peppering Massacre with lefts and rights into the midsection. Jack shakes that off and pushes him down. Massacre follows that with a gigantic clothesline. There’s a bodyslam and 2 ½ count on Badfingers. Jack goes for a submission move but Badfingers is able to get to the ropes and force the hold to be broken. Badfingers goes for more offense on Badfingers but simply bounces off of the big man. Badfingers challenges for a test of strength. That backfires instantly as Massacre measures him to the mat. Badfingers goes low with a left but that just angers the big man. Massacre clotheslines Badfingers and the Windy City Brawler tumbles to the outside. Massacre follows. Some pounding occurs on the outside but Badfingers is thrown back in at four. He almost immediately goes back outside. The count starts again as both Megastars battle it out on the hardwood floor. Massacre slams Badfingers into the ring steps and that blast moves Sharpsburg. Massacre hits Badfingers with an orange protection cone. They continue their assault on the outside. Massacre drops a leg on Badfingers. They battle to the outside and to the locker room. The ref counts them out but gives them a chance when Massacre drags Badfingers across the floor. Massacre continues to pound Badfingers down. Massacre bends Badfingers into a weird position. The count out continues to 10. The ref counts out both competitors. Bobby Badfingers remains the 5-Star Champion.
Shawn Blanchard vs. Justin Sane
Blanchard is met by a chorus of boos. Sane comes to the ring alone, as Lord Zoltan had yet to return from New Orleans, Louisiana and Bourbon Street. For some reason, Lou Martin is out at ringside with Blanchard, despite the VIPs officially being disbanded. Blanchard calls Justin “Little Guy” and Justin tickles the Enforcer. That angers the former 5-time Champion. They lock up and Blanchard immediately puts Sane into a headlock. He pushes Sane into the ropes but Blanchard knocks him down. Blanchard goes to pull Sane’s hair but the bald Sane has nothing to grab onto. Sane has Blanchard is a headlock, but Blanchard muscles him over for a pin attempt on two different occasions. Sane gets Blanchard into a Lord Zoltan-trademarked Wrist Lock. Sane continues to wind that watch. Blanchard goes the short way. Blanchard tosses Sane to the outside and into Martin’s clutches. That’s where the stomping takes place. Bobby O makes his way out and kicks Martin to the curb. Blanchard buries something into Sane’s throat while the referee is turned away. This happens a couple more times. Blanchard floors Sane and gets a two-count. Blanchard continues the offense. He buries a leg into Sane’s nether regions. Blanchard blasts Sane’s head into the top turnbuckle 10 times and that just riles the veteran up. Sane gets an offensive burst and nearly gets Blanchard down with a pin fall. It’s only a two count, though. Blanchard climbs to the top rope. Sane meets him there and drops him to the mat. Blanchard is flipped into the center of the ring. Sane goes for the Flog Splash but is met with double knees. That weakens Sane. Blanchard gets him and plants him with the piledriver. The winner is Shawn Blanchard. Blanchard goes to leave the gym but stops long enough to charge the ring and start pelting Sane with cones, chairs and a dust broom. This confuses everyone because Blanchard won the match fair and square.
The Mercenaries v. Kaida and Kash
“Nasty” Nick Crane and Sniper come out, snarling and ticked off. They wave their flags. Kris Kash and Kaida make their way to the ring ready for action. The ref checks the Mercenaries and Kaida swats over the top of Justin Smith’s back. Smith tells Crane to stop crying and wrestle. The bell rings and Kaida tosses Canada’s National Treasure into the corner. Kaida continues the heavy assault on Crane. Kaida positions Crane’s neck in an uncomfortable way. Kash is tagged in and he knocks Crane to the outside. Sniper follows off the apron to help his partner. Kash dives on top of both of them. Crane is pushed back in and Kash goes for the pin but only gets two. Crane kicks up and attacks Kash. He gets Kash into the Mercenaries’ corner and tags in Sniper. Sniper goes after Kash, specifically his throat. The ref cusses him out. Sniper argues then tags in Crane. Crane buries boots into Kash’s midsection. Kash is then seated in the center of the ring for a submission move. This angers Kaida who bolts in and breaks up the tag. There’s a blind tag and Sniper is back in. Smith doesn’t seem to notice. Sniper drops Kash and tags Crane back in. Crane goes for Kash with a variation of the Cobra Clutch. The fans shout “USA, USA.” That distracts Crane. Sniper is tagged in and he continues to blast away at Kash. A Sniper leg drop nearly gets Kash with both shoulders down. Crane is tagged in. This is one of the Mercenaries’ best tag team outings to date. That may be because after the 6:30 minute mark, Kaida has not been in for a while. There’s a boot drop on Kash’s privates right in front of the ref. Crane lifts Kash up. Crane tags Sniper back in. Sniper continues a lower-back assault on Kash. The fans start chanting, “USA, USA” all over again. Kash is whipped into a corner. He flips out, back-first onto Sniper. Both Megastars are down. The ref counts to seven with Crane is tagged in and Kaida a split second later. Kaida suplexes Nick and drops Sniper. Kaida bodyslams Crane. Two count. Sniper is still trying to get to his feet on the apron. Nick is down and the ref counts to two. He chases Sniper, who tries to sneak in. Crane finds a back elbow from Kaida. Kaida slams Crane. Kash goes to the top and drops on Crane. The count begins and Sniper breaks it up. Kaida races across the ring and slaps the Clutch on Sniper. Kash lifts Crane up and drops him with this finishing move. The ref counts to three and winners are Kris Kash and Kaida!!
Main Event KSWA Championship: Bulldozer vs. Shane Starr
Special Guest Referee, KSWA Owner Bobby O is the first to come to the ring. Bulldozer enters the ring, spitting fire. Starr comes to the ring to a huge ovation from his hometown crowd. Bulldozer taunts the crowd with the KSWA Heavyweight title. The match starts and Bulldozer tries to get a psychological advantage. They lock up and Bulldozer tosses Starr across the ring. The big gets Starr in the corner and slams him with a series of hearty chops. There’s a splash on Starr in the corner. Starr is whipped into the corner. Bulldozer misses with a big boot attempt. Starr kicks away at his hamstrings and gets him down. Starr hopes to loosen him up for the Sharpshooter. Bulldozer battles back. He hits Starr with a huge clothesline and elbow drop. Bulldozer keeps Shane grounded. The big man steps on his hair. Bulldozer waits for Starr to get up and slaps on a sleeper hold. Before grounding the champion, Bulldozer swings him around. Bulldozer keeps the hold on. Bulldozer asks Bobby O to ask for Starr’s submission. He says no. Bulldozer tries to put his boots on the bottom rope but that’s broken up. Dozer gets Starr into a bear hug. This spine-crushing maneuver drains the champion. Bobby O drops Starr’s hand twice but on the third time, Starr won’t let it fall. He starts to battle out. Bulldozer muscles Starr into a side slam and there’s a 2 ¾ count. Starr nearly loses the belt at that moment. Starr gets back up and tries to get his legs locked into Bulldozers for the Sharpshooter but the Detroit behemoth breaks it up. Starr chop blocks Dozer from behind twice. A third time drops him decidedly. Starr pulls him into the center of the ring. Bulldozer kicks him off. Bulldozer climbs to his feet. Starr is still on the mat. Starr pounds into the Bulldozer. There’s a huge right hand from the 364 pound Dozer. There’s a sit-down slam. There’s a two-count as Starr gets his shoulder up again. Bobby O says it’s 2 ¾ again. Bulldozer lifts him up. Bulldozer goes for the sit down but misses. Starr locks in the Sharpsburg Sharpshooter. After a few moments of struggle, incredibly Bulldozer submits. The winner and still KSWA Champion is Shane Starr! Bobby O follows Bulldozer out and Shane Starr celebrates with the Krazies.
Thus ends the Guyasuta fundraiser.