June 30, 2014
by Trapper Tom, Ring Announcer/Wrestling Journalist
Upon winning the second most coveted Single’s title in the entire state of Pennsylvania, Bulldozer said that earning the strap was the culmination of “seven years” on the road. He said that the Krazies will be amazed as to what he will do in the ring, and that he’ll keep that prize until he no longer wants it. But first, he had to win it.
Semi Finals: Jester v. Douglas
The crowd was clearly in The Jester’s corner when the face-painted barnstormer raced onto the scene. The King had already taken his place in the ring, confident that he would again be the Golden Triangle Champion. It should be noted that this is new referee David Fedor’s first match as an authority figure in the KSWA. The match had a great deal of give and go, from The Jester’s opening cart wheel to Douglas’ prancing and screaming. Both men had offensive bursts as Douglas was looking for his fist “That’s Banned in 49 out of the 50 states.” Instead he tried to “Drop it like it's Hot” and missed. The Jester a kick to his former mentor and The Jester moved on to the finals.
Semi Finals: Bulldozer v. Kris Kash
Bulldozer tosses Kris Kash to the corner. Bulldozer is in control when it comes to pure power. The Krazies are clearly behind Kris Kash. A series of stick-and-move actions are followed by a drop kick. Bulldozer tosses Kash 15 feet into the Lawrenceville sky. Bulldozer misses with a splash, Kash connects with some chops. Bulldozer levels Kash. Kash is in the ropes and Bulldozer uses them to choke the Pittsburgh native and former Golden Triangle Champion. Mayor Mystery gets in on the action from the outside and chokes Kash without referee Justin Smith knowing. There’s a bodyslam and a huge elbow from Bulldozer. Bulldozer pulls Kash’s shoulder up at two. The ref can’t believe it. Kash is caught and tosses out of the ring. The toss is approximately 12 feet. Mystery is on the apron with Bulldozer as the ref counts Kash out from the ring. Bulldozer tosses him in before 10 and Kash kicks out at two. Kash is in a swinging neck breaker, yet somehow he still battles out. The ref asks if he’s ready to give up and Kash battles out. He drop kicks the beast man into a corner. Kash crawls towards him. Kash whips Bulldozer but Dozer reverses the move. Kash flips out onto Bulldozer and drop kicks him again. Mystery gets onto the apron and is swatted down by Kash. He immediately falls into Bulldozer’s clutches and is dropped onto his shoulders. The pin is accomplished by Bulldozer. Verified Investment Partner Tommy Faime applauds from his owner’s box.
Bobby Badfingers and The Blood Beast v. Joey Quervo and Bob Atlas
Blood Beast attacks Bob Atlas from the outset. Badfingers is tagged in and he drops Atlas. There’s a two-count on Atlas. Atlas rebounds and drop kicks Badfingers. Atlas stomps on Badfingers, and then tosses him into the ropes. Then he’s tossed off of Atlas’ back. Quervo is tagged in and he is felled by Badfingers, to the tune of a two-count. Blood Beast is in, with Badfingers and they make a wish with Quervo on the mat. Badfingers lifts Quervo up for a big bodyslam. Two count on Quervo. Beast bodyslams Quervo with serious force. Two count. Beast spins around and drops Quervo. Fedor counts to two as Quervo kicks out. Beast tags in Badfingers. Badfingers drops him with a DDT. Two count again. Badfingers lifts Quervo and they connect in the center of the ring. Both Megastars are down. Fedor counts to six before Quervo tags in Puniverse. Soon all four men are in the ring. They battle it out. Badfingers misses a clothesline on Blood Beast and connects on the monster. Quervo rolls up Beast from behind and gets the surprise win. With the winners celebrating, Badfingers grabs the 5-Star title and unloads on Beast, leaving him lying in the center of the ring.
Loser Wears A Chicken Suit Match: Lou Martin v. Lord Zoltan
Lou Martin attacks Lord Zoltan with his Louisville Slugger before the bell rings. Referee Shawn Patrick allows the attack to continue, probably because Zoltan has used wrenches and other weapons in the past. With Zoltan in the corner, Martin drops the bat and continues the onslaught on the veteran Zoltan. The offense continues to be all Martin as Zoltan is lying on his back. Martin steps on Zoltan’s head while on the apron. Zoltan collapses into the ropes and Martin blasts again with the black slugger. Martin may have connected with the bat into Zoltan. Martin uses the time keeper’s bell. It’s all still Martin. Martin continues to blast away at Zoltan, who so far used only one punch to Martin’s stomach as offense. Martin asks the crowd if she should end the assault, and that’s when Zoltan battled out. Martin buries a brand-new black boot into Zoltan’s private region when Shawn Patrick was looking the other way. Martin clotheslines Zoltan down. Martin prowls around the ring, Patrick fights him from using the bat again. Zoltan gets thrown to the outside. Martin grabs his bat and smashes Zoltan again. The beat-down continues at ringside. Martin hits Zoltan in the forehead with the bat. Patrick tries to keep him off but the unorthodox offense continues. Martin uses the ring ropes to tie Zoltan up, but before it takes, Zoltan crawls under the ring. Martin follows. Lord Zoltan is out first and he starts to connect on the former KSWA World Champion. Martin hits Zoltan in the stomach with the bat. Martin fights off Patrick for the belt. Zoltan blasts Martin in the crotch, covers and gets the win. Lou Martin must wear the Chicken Suit again. Kommissioner Gentleman Joe Perri puts the mask on Martin while Zoltan puts the rest of the costume on the Loser. The fans start to do the Chicken dance outside of the ring.
KSWA Owner Bobby O hits the ring as Lou Martin tries to take off the Chicken Suit. Bobby forces Martin to stay in the ring, as fans will be able to get their picture taken with him in the chicken suit. Fans were asked to make donations to Muscular Dystrophy for the shot at pictorial immortality.
J-Ru v. Tony Johnson
The two Megastars feel each other out in the opening moments of the match. Tony Johnson floors J-Ru with a big chop. The Instigator grabs Johnson in a wrist lock and bites his wrist. Johnson pulls J-Ru down and nearly gets a three count. Johnson picks up J-Ru for a bodyslam but twirls him around the ring for several revolutions before being slammed. The Kraizes shout “You Got Iced.” J-Ru goes onto the apron and Johnson clobbers him there before shooting him in the hard way. J-Ru gets some offense and goes for a pin with one foot on his opponent. J-Ru gets Johnson into the corner and follows suit with a clothesline. With J-Ru posed in the corner, Johnson splashes him. J-Ru goes to the outside. Johnson gets up. The ref calls a five-count before J-Ru sits on a fan’s lap. Johnson chases him out and attacks with serious chops. Johnson chops J-Ru and tosses him in the ring. J-Ru kicks the bottom rope and that hits Johnson in the crotch. Johnson rolls in. J-Ru pulls him across the ring by one arm. He goes for a pin but Johnson kicks up at one. Johnson swats away at J-Ru. J-Ru chops back. Johnson hits with some serious chops. Johnson falls to his knees. Two count. Johnson nearly gets a spectacular pin on Johnson and then another. J-Ru connects on an impressive clothesline and nearly pins Johnson. J-Ru taunts the crowd and is met with a big time drop kick in the middle of the squared circle. Referee Justin Smith counts both Megastars down. At 9, Johnson kicks up and J-Ru gets up. Johnson connects with a clothesline. Johnson side slams J-Ru onto his knees. J-Ru gets up, gets Johnson down and covers him, albeit with his boots on the middle rope for leverage. Smith doesn’t see it and J-Ru gets the win.
KSWA Tag Team Championship: Sniper and Crane v. Malachi and Massacre
The Teamster Temple explodes with the capacity crowd when Wall Street Journal cover boys Malachi and Massacre are introduced. Half of the crowd chants “USA, USA,” and the other half chants “Mike Malachi.” Nasty Nick and Malachi hook up and the Irish Bear forces Crane into a corner. Crane, who has almost no hair on his head, complains that Malachi is pulling his hair. This elicits much laughter from the crowd. Malachi muscles Crane all around the ring, but Crane gets some offense and surprisingly, a near pinfall. Malachi returns with a bunch of offense. The 7-foot-tall Jack Massacre is tagged him and he goes right after Crane. The offense is fast and furious as it goes outside. Malachi is back in and the Mercenaries go to work on him in their corner. Referee Fedor counts to two as Malachi is on his back. Sniper keeps Malachi down for another two count. Crane gets Malachi down from behind with a sleeper hold. There’s a two count. Sniper is back in and the duo battle to suplex Malachi. It takes several times but the duo finally gets him over just for a two-count. Both Sniper and Malachi are down. Crane gets Malachi in a rear choke hold sleeper. Malachi battles out from the seated position. There are big elbows and a big boot from Malachi. Malachi takes his time, then side suplexes Crane. Both Megastars are down after that main event move. At the seven count, Malachi gets to Massacre for a series of head butts and power moves. Crane gets to his corner and tags in Sniper, who is more than reluctant to get into the ring. Fedor counts to seven and then eight, and nine before Crane distracts him. Sniper stays on the outside until Massacre follows. He tries to get back in but Sniper is there for some offense. Crane is tagged in and he gets a big clothesline from Massacre. Then another. Massacre atomic drops Crane and Malachi hits him with a big sledge. Malachi hits Crane with the Malachi Crunch and Massacre hits Sniper down for the double pin.
Co-Main Event: Shane Starr and Shawn Blanchard
KSWA Owner Bobby O is introduced as the guest referee for this match. As soon as that happens, Tommy Faime’s entrance music hits. Faime insults the Krazies by calling them “Kuckoos.” He wants to know who authorized Bobby O’s appointment. Faime calls in Gentleman Joe Perri, the KSWA Kommissioner. Perri says that the KSWA Championship Committee okayed the move. Faime said that all decisions have to be okayed by him as he’s 50% Verified Investment Partner. Faime, frustrated by Perri, knocks out the Kommissioner with one right hand. This fires up Blanchard. Introductions are quickly made and the bell is rung.
The match begins with the long-time foes feeling each other out. Starr scoops Blanchard up and drops him down in the middle of the ring. Blanchard retreats to the outside. Starr follows and rams his head along the apron. Starr takes him halfway around the ring before bringing him back into the ring. Blanchard goes to the top rope and Starr tosses him off. There’s a big flip and two count on Starr. Starr has Blanchard in the corner for a series of right hands. Blanchard falls down in the ring. Two count on Blanchard. Blanchard goes low with Bobby O momentarily distracted. That allows Blanchard to hit chops on Starr. Then there are big shots on Starr’s solarplexes. Blanchard goes for a standing suplex. He drops Starr with incredible force. Blanchard buries a knee into Starr’s chest. Then Blanchard gets him from behind. There’s a two-count on Starr as Blanchard yells at Bobby O for “counting too slow.” Blanchard tosses Starr to the outside. Blanchard chops Starr on the outside. Blanchard hits him with a can of beer to the forehead. Blanchard rams Starr’s head into the corner post. Once inside, Starr immediately applies the Sharpsburg Sharpshooter. Blanchard gets to the ropes. Starr almost gets him into it again but Blanchard pokes him in the eye. Blanchard goes to the outside and drapes Starr’s leg over the apron. Blanchard then jams Starr’s privates into the corner post. Blanchard goes for the Figure Four and slaps it in. Starr is battling to stay alive. Starr’s shoulders hit the mat and Bobby O counts to two several times as the two Megastars battle at the ground level. Starr is able to punch Blanchard enough to get him to let go of the maneuver. Starr and Blanchard get to their feet. Blanchard clobbers him with a clothesline. Blanchard buries knees into Starr’s midsection. Both men go over the top rope and onto the floor. That’s where the ref counts both men out of the ring. The match ends in a Double Count Out and Starr holds onto the belt. J-Ru races to the ring and almost cashes in his Battle Bowl opportunity, but Starr strings up. That’s enough to make J-Ru reconsider and race to the locker room.
Golden Triangle Championship: Bulldozer (w/Mayor Mystery) v. The Jester
The action begins before the match when Bulldozer attacks The Jester. The Bulldozer tries to splash Jester, who is on the ropes, but misses. Jester dives on Bulldozer and Mayor Mystery on the outside. The Krazies scream “That was awesome.” Bulldozer is up on one count. Bulldozer is in the ropes. So is Mayor Mystery, who is thrown out of the arena by referee Justin Smith. Mayor Mystery is escorted by Shawn Patrick and David Fedor. Bulldozer DDT’s The Jester down and he screams, “Who’s the Man??” The Krazies scream for The Jester. Jester nearly rolls up the much-bigger Bulldozer into a pinning position. The Krazies taunt “Dozer.” Jester gets a one-count as he rolls Dozer up again. Dozer uses his leverage to power Jester. Jester rallies with some strikes but is met with a side slam from the Dozer for a two count. Bulldozer has Jester down for a sleeper hold. The ref puts Jester’s hands up twice and then Jester recovers with a little offense of his own. The is a heavy, heavy double clothesline in the center of the ring and both budding Megastars are down. Both are up at five. Dozer misses with a splash. Jester punches away at the massive Bulldozer. Jester goes for a bulldog but doesn’t land it. He does drop him down for a side suplex. Jester goes up top for a splash but he is met by the Bulldozer. They kick each other. Both are down in a huge heap. At seven, Jester gets up and so does Bulldozer. Jester lands a kick. That floors Bulldozer. Jester goes up for the Frog Splash. He lands it. He goes for the cover. The King races out and breaks up the count. Jester hits Douglas. Bulldozer scoops Jester up from behind and lands his finishing move. And just like that, he is the new Golden Triangle Champion. Mayor Mystery races in to celebrate. The Krazies are almost in disbelief.